the answer is YES. hell yes.

Some misunderstanding happened and i havent shown up for my shift [read: I had no idea i had one since i wasnt informed] and the day befor i was ill so i told the store's-boss [cant call her MY boss, no one without a class can give me orders] that i wont show up.
andywayz, on Saturday night she calls me YELLING like im a kid or idk, i mean- WTF?!
I'm sorry, but as much as i understand her lack of vocab and ability to talk with some sense she has no right to yell at me in that manner. stupid bitch.

to top it all- she sisnt give me ANY shifts for this week- hilarity never stops!
i texted her my shifts, her brain is prob too numb at this point to read simple letters.
shes now acting in a VERY unproffesional way by not contacting me, cuz see, shes giving me a punishment.

shes got such a short memory.. no one there would have done the things i did and sacrified for her, just to save her ass from her lack of functioality.

i still dont get it- Why people in high positions have a short memory? what makes them so vain, blind and stupid?!
in my case- shes quite imature, but also very mean- I mean, come on, she knows i need that money more then any low-life idiot aroud her but she chose to mess with me.
i do expect for a conversation from her where shes gonna put her bossy-tone and start spitting managemental-words.
for someone whos been a manager for the past 2 years she sure as hell doesnt seem that way.
i guess thats how FOX choose thier best managers- they must have fake nails, straight hair, laugh at Q, suck up alot [seriously, disgusting!], pretend to know wtf is going on in meetings [ive no idea what she does there, she never tells us whats going on there cuz shes too zoned out on pictures prob..].

she's gonna pay for this. she consider herself 'orthodox', well where was god when she talked to me in such a shitty manner?! oh yeah, i forgot orthodox people are so special and good and present everything thats good in this world- why should they EVER do some soul-searching and BE a good person?!

I promised myself to be a better person, and frankly, im proud of myself.
sure, ive still got my snide sarcastic comments, and i developed a mean case os black-humor, but thats all good.
I help people, I'm doing nice things, my 'ignore' rate has decreased, and I actually LIKE to help people- without wanting anything in return.
I dont even argue as much, I avoid conflicts with people who are pure idiots and just smile and agree to disagree when possible.
One thing i would never do- Humiliate a person. I'm appalled by how easily she does it, its not right.

know what?
I actually feel sorry for her. She must've suffered so much playing the quite little mouse that she is, and now, that she finally gets to give orders and wear a crown- Shes acting like a dicttator, cuz she think thats whats a boss should act like, maybe its a way to 'motivate sales'.
know whats the right way to make high sales?
Class.
yep, i said it. When a person walk in a store and the sales-person is articulate [not in a phony manner that makes u sick!] and REALLY nice its much easier to make high sales.
it must be hard on her, seeing how shes so.. unintellegent.
im sorry, but when u tell people that u've got a diploma as a make-up artist..
[especially when its obvioius u need to repeat more then one class..]
ok enough.

My anger is out, and i got myself laughing.
im off to do something useful with my life- look for another job. again.

Happy Hanukkah!

The guy I used to like is no longer my friend.
I realized that I like him as a friend and nothing more, and now its just so.. akward.
I'm aware that it's my fault for handling things badly, cuz I tend to mess things up, but now idk how to act around him, and when we chat I can tell he wants nothing to do with me.
Maybe it's me but he sounded bit harsh, made me do all the talking, gave me short answers. Its like he wants me to do all the job, strike a conversation, make it roll and I can't fake 'Friendly' around him cuz he knows how much of an actress I am!
it seems to me that he wants to cut things with me for good, and I wish he'd just TELL ME instead of making me feel shitty. cuz I am.

So everythings changing- With him in particular. Plus all the look I get from people.
If they thought I'm a bitch, now they know I am one.
Screw them though, at least theyve got some sense not to approach me about it, though I know they'd love to.

I'm starting college tomorrow. I'm excited, scared, nervous like I've never been befor.
All I can think about is that im gonna be around new people and they wont like me and it sux!
I'm insecure right now. I've just lost a friend [sorry I dont have romantic feelings for u!], I forgot alot of stuff that I need to buy for tomorrow, and I'm walking on a thin line when it comes to my job.

I'm really stressed out, the tension that I lost is back on and I can't function right.
Whats worse us that I feel like i deserve it all for my behaviour.

Case in point: A party everyone atteneded.
You can call it a small gather with music, alcohol and 90% of people I fake friendly to.
I didnt plan on going but my friend called me later on that night convinced me and told me I've got 5 minutes to go out or I'm leaving with what im wearing.
took me less then 10 and I was out. I gotta say that i looked good enough, though I wasnt dressed for a party. I realized, if I'm going to a place I'm not comfturble been, I might as well something im confturble wearing.
I wore this button down checkered shirt, with long sleeves [folded a bit, its a louzy weather], skinny jeans and nice shoes.
everyone else looked glam, but honestly? I felt the sexiest.
I know, I know, it sounds bad, but I showed up with alot of confident [fake for the most part], greeted everyone I recognized [wasnt many] and sat with my friend.
Of course HE was there and I acted normal, cuz I know I cant pretend around him, I told him my tricks, so it'll be pointless.
as the evening progressed I didnt move much from my sit, didnt dance- cuz I dance like a striper with or without booze, and got up to 'beat' some guy friend of mine.
I guess I was the 'slut' of the night eventually. if not, I know a gossip who'd make sure to declare that.
this guy and I known each other for years, and I always act bit 'slutty' around him, cuz thats how we roll. it started with him calling me over [by throwing things at me..] and closing a button in my shirt that was open, later on I opened that same one, and another one on the top cuz it was freaking hot! [everyone else looked like sluts, nothing could make me look like one, so thats ok] and when i came over to kill him he went mad about my shirt.
As I was saying i mostly stayed in my sit, and his friend sat near me, and we chatted, which prob looked like i was flirting, idk y.. so I called my rude friend to sit with us, and told him that I opened that button just for him- hense the slut.
Trust the music to stop when i say stuff..
eventually he sat near me, lots of hugs, kisses [not on the mouth, honestly!], and a massage- I'm good at massages.
considering that most of the party were girls without a bf, and only few single guys that were near me- I was the least fav person of the night. and I've only been there for an hour.
I thought my so-called-ex would act mature and be FRIENDS with me, and would TALK to me in a friendly manner.
Don;t get me aring, I dont mind approaching him like I did, and said 'hi', but it was REALLY not ok that the whole night he wasnt so far from me but he hasnt said a word to me.
thats fucked up.
I drew alot of looks at the exit when I got a hold of him and asked him if hes leaving without saying goodbye to me. Which he did, but a quick goodbye and he went. I said a very happy goodbye to everyone there, and went with my friend.

It's amazing that in that party I had only 1 friend.
I need to recharge some energies, cuz i dont think I could smile another hour around those people anytime soon.
not that it'll happen soon, i know I'm not welcome, and I know excatly why I was invited.

I know that my 'problems' are small, and they really are obviously, but i can't seem to put them aside and move along as fast as i'd like.

tomorrow is a new day with a new life- Life of a student. Hopefully less dramatic and more friendly.
I'm gonna escape reality in few hours- Football of course! Real Madrid-Malaga and Barca-Valencia.
nothings better the football to cheer me up a bit :]

So. I've started seeing this guy, whose not just any guy, but my friend's brother.
Hes friends with all my 'friends' or 'the people I hang out with' or w/e.
I cant bring myself to 'want' him.
I think he likes me, and i dont like him that way, and it sux!
idk whats wrong with me, and i sure as hell dont wanna end things with him, cuz-
A- it wont be easy.
B- i dont wanna hurt him.
C- I cant commit, maybe cuz im imature.

I'm a bitch.
gotta figure out what to do, but for now, I'm keeping it to myself.
note to self: gotta blog more later, maybe putting it all here would give me a better prespective.
*sigh*

Germany was sent home by, non other then Spain!
if anyone could handle Germany thats them.
Amazing match between two very strong teams, and all in all, we got our moneys worth.

Few thoughts I've had in mind:
Torres- Dammit. i love this guy, but he MUST wake up! I recall his [much] better days, when he stormed out of nowhere and kicked the ball in the net. Damn injury..

Puyol- for me, it was the best surprise of the world cup. absolutly brilliant. i take back everything I said about him. i was wrong.

David Villa- Kind David. wish he was taller though. other then that- he is King.

Pedro- Amazing player, should grow up a bit and stop thinking about the glory, he'll get his, he made a mistake young player do. I hope he was traumatized, it'll be a good lesson for him in the future.

Ramus- Killing Podolski?! you're unbelivable, you;ve got urself a fan.

Alonso- *sigh* Cant say im not inlove. goddamn refferee hated you tonight though, no worries, hes just a douche.

Iker Cassillas- A legend. enough said.

I'm still nervous from the game, I love Germany, they played amazingly, but we can all agree that Spain deserved it the most.
Muller was missed. I couldnt stop thinking about 'what if' he was there. Honestly dont think Spain stood a chance.

Holland Vs Spain this Sunday. I honestly dont think I'd be able to sleep.

I'm gonna try and chill for a while, I'm too tense from this match.

Chag Mondial Same'ach!
[it means "happy world-cup holiday" in Hebrew!]

I'm confused.
idk what i feel to be honest.
how can I possibly like a guy who doesnt give a damn about me?!
im a reasonable person, alright?
a person with good reason can see beyond, can tell the BAD consequenses, but NOOO, im that kind of brand you cant make twice. thats right, i said it- im special.
im most likey head over heels for a guy who can contact me once a month and I'd jump like a little girl.
With him im losing control, im not being myself and i dont like myself.
I never thought that day would come- the day when im gonna lose my backbone for a guy.

I gotta keep my actions in check. i cant afford to cave in. cuz knowing me in this equasion- i would. willingly and stupidly.

I'm still not denying myself other guys- thats the reasonable part thats kicking in, see?

On that note- I feel so bad saying that, but i cant possibly bring myself to be attracted to orthodox-looking guys no matter how gorgeous.
those penguin clothing makes me sick.
I know, shallowness.
those clothes just represent everything im against, those people who made my life a living hell and made me tread on eggshells.

***

Stress is killing me.
My dad talks about getting my brother a car, but not saying a word about helping me pay for college. i love that man to death, but sometimes his priorities are fucked up. and taking money from my mom is out of question. Borrowing money from the IRS would make me healthier if u catch my drift.

***

I'm going to the gym. hopefully i'd stop looking like a little bear whos stuck in skinny jeans.
i wanna create a healthy life-style, hate being lazy.
and i figured, a change of scenerious cant harm, despite the fact that i hate change, i need it. badly.
gotta clean my head while jogging or doing w/e i do on those machines.

***

I cant seem to get my Hebrew straight. not on academic level anyway. im doing my best to read hebrew litreture and im falling asleep!
All Israeli authors r taking themselves too seriously and they keep on publishing the same old 'liberal' shit.
We get it- you're cool cuz u live in Tel-Aviv and you're also so unique- like every other person on ur block.
fucking move along.. if i wanted 2 invest my money in crap i'd live in a dumpster instead of mentaly escaping one.

***

cant ignore the world cup:
I ADORE Spain and its fine FINE players, but it cant esc my mind that- hello- Germany is in the house, and its in it to win!
How disloyal of me.
I honestly dont care whos gonna win- they both deserve it just as much.

***

Its really late, i gotta get my beauty sleep- and boy do i need it! lol

hasta la vista baby.

I have a new boss. that sux..
not just cuz my previous boss is pure sweetheart, but this new one is too damn uptight!
she raises her voice at the crew in a student-teacher kind of way. i dont like it.
the days when in thinking about quitting are too many to count and its just not fun anymore.

I'm awfuly tired as a result of the unfair hard work, and I'm waitting for a reply from my college. I'm transfering from 'ecomony' to communication- the publicity part.
its sounds intresting, so im gonna go for it. if they'd accept me that is.
I need to pay more attention to my friends and go out!
oh, and get new friends, the kind that hate clubs and have creative minds of other stuff to do.

Now more then ever im giving up on dating. waste of time. I'm not gonna find my other half any time soon, nd if i did then hes really lame.
so I turn to shallow things- shopping.
thats what u do when ur life are not exciting and ur too cynical to date.
I need a new desk. bigger, gorgeous and expensive. I'm half saving cuz maybe my mom would help me a bit. if not i'll buy more stuff.


better get dressed. time 2 get my hair nice.

'Superbad'- Hilarious. Dont need to say more.
'Juno'- Cuz her sarcasam is absolutly brilliant.

And pretty much any other Judd Appatow film. That guy is a genious!

Again..
I ran out of 'sleep drops' which arent helping me fall asleep, but seem to make it harder for me to wake up.
When I do sleep I'm having those crazy dreams that could aspire some new ideas to Eli Roth's 'Hostel'.
Maybe I'm finally starting to lose it.
I signed up for college- Now I'm gonna drop out befor even starting!
I don't wanna take a year of math classes, and a BA in managment seems like a V in my list and it sounds so good to say!
Honestly, I need to study something intresting.
I can keep my crappy job, but I need to study something that I have no clue about, doesnt involve math and wont make me feel stupid.
I guess I have time for that, right? I'm not yet 20, so my dad ignores the fact that I took a year off for a 'break'.

speaking of age.. this 28 year old chick is about to work in my store.
shes gonna be one of the few 'shift managers'. And my almost boss.
I gotta do this exam[s] in order to be a shift manager, and I feel like shes gonna hate me for landing the exact same title as hers when I'm MUCH younger then her!
I've got such a bad feeling about it..

oh, and I think its been a month [if not more] since ive talked to one of my very best friend.
idk whats it with 'friends' who r so damn insecure of intreducing me to thier male friends..
I'm not attractive, I talk too much and I get bored easily!
Seems to me that she likes to 'isolate' me from her group. Fine by me, just dont ask me to go shopping with you, cuz i may not be school-wise smart but I'm not this airhead thats only good for shopping and gossip.
I mean FUCK!
She can talk to me about anything and she knows I'm gonna give her the best advice[- cuz im great at advices to other people], I've always been there for her, I fucking gave her a dress I wore ONCE which cost me alot! not to mention I gave her this really great book to read, but knowing her- she didnt read it cuz she was too busy!
fucking thing is- i dont remember which book! err!!!

All around me I see people date. long term relationships, and all I can think is I cant play that 'gf' role to a tee. I dont think its in me to call my current in cute names.
hes not a fucking pet, y should I treat him like one?!
oh, and this dumb bitch i work with spoke to her bf at the phone and talked about herself in a male body about how sorry [s]he is.. in a little kid's voice!
come on!!!
r u kidding me?!
if i'll ever make a sound like that plz slit my throat open. this is too fucked up.
shes dating a guy in his 20s, not babysitting his baby brother, whats wrong with her?!

Once again im trying to claw my way in a relationship that i know is doomed just so i wont be alone.
why r humans wanna be with somebody? cuz we're 'social creatures'? is that it?
i dont understand y im so scared of this lonliness that im trying to date a guy who worships me and i TRY to like him when i know i dont want him!
im gonna stop this game im playing befor i'll hurt his feelings.

Meanwhile, I'll try to be more forgiving.
i cant apologize and i cant fully accept an apology.
idk why. I just dont fucking trust people.
I cant forgive, I cant forget, I cant do shit.
The only conselation that i have is that i got to chat with some guy who is a crappy person.
I'm SURE hes got good sides, nd besides how little he thinks of me, I know hes not very human.
hes another version of an 'asshole'. An aducated one who thinks the world of himself and play modest.
feels good writting about this.

its 03:45 am right now.
gotta wake up at 7 am. work and everything.
off I go to close my eyes and wake up to the hedious sound of my alarm.

Peace.

Why does it bother me so much?
I hate analizing things, but maybe if i'll post it i'd get to see the bigger picture.
A perosn thinks so little of me just cuz I dont share his beliefs.
Said person dont know what its like to be in my shoes, all he knows came easily to him, I dont even think he knows what been grateful is.
Mocking my so called ignorance is extremly insulting. Sure, we dont share the same IQ nor do I have a really badass SATs score, but theres more in life then just numbers.
What about been a good person? not hurting people?
I think it bothers me cuz he made me belive that I am stupid.
I havent been myself the whole day and my so-called bestfriend is not one to talk to.
I feel like crying, but the tears dont come out, damn hormones, I hate getting hurt.
When I'm truly hurt im a freaking robot.
I guess values and respect for other's opinion is not in this smart guy's top ten list, cuz who needs to respect people who disagree with u anyway when u already know it all [or act like it..] and you can feed everyone your shit knowing they cant answer back cuz well, theyre not as smart, quick thinking or witty as you to deliver fast comments.

What do you wish someone like that?
Just to put his charisma to good use and dont be selfish, to stop mocking people who just enjoy his company, even if theyre not as smart as he is.

I'm sick of this feeling, I'm disgusted by those words, cuz I think that im a good person, I'm not a bitch who thinks so highly on herself, nor am I a stupid little girl whos living her life in fear of god.
I believe in god, and I follow the rules I'm okay with. I havent forced him to do the same, so why did he insists on calling me on that and talk to me like that and blame my lack of knowledge cuz of it?
its a cruel thing to do.
insulting, inhuman and cruel.
is this what smart really is?
my only comfort is that i know smart people who have a soul, who r good people and respect others.
If he gets off on making fun of people who are 'bellow' him- then I feel sorry for him, cuz later down the road hes gonna have a life without a meaning.
When you dont take other people's feelings into account- what kind of person does that make you?
Def not a person I'd like to hang out with.

all in all, it was a good thing.
Running into a person like him in this period of my life adds to my list.
the list of 'diffrent kinds of people thay i know'.
I do my best to learn from each person, I try to see the best in him, and there is always more then meets the eye- Even in him. Too bad he showed me the ugly side of him, the side that his principles are the most important thing to him.
Scratch that, its a good thing. the sooner, the better.
I dont need this drama, he already hurt me in so many levels I'd rather stay away from the fire.

Funny thing, I will forgive him if he'd apologize. Not for his beliefs, but for passivly insulting me- knowing that he does that, hes a smart guy, he knew that all along, but for him, im probably just a silly little girl he can toy with just like he does right now with his joke-group. I want him to get screwed over for that, but at the same time I just want him to learn a lesson. That people are humans, and r entitled to have their own opinions and beliefs, and critisizing them just cuz theyre 'stupid' is just pure mean.

I will stay ignorant, and im gonna have to work twice as hard in life in order to succeed, but i will someday. Success is diffrent for each person.
I just wanna be happy, healthy and have a good life. thats all.
oh yeah, and world peace.

I've signed up for college, now all I need to do is study some hardass math and I need to pass it in order to get started.
I'm extremly bad at math, and apperantly this smart guy claims that its due to my lack of 'open mind' which is a result of all that faith I have in Judaism.
If that was true I'd be an ethaist in 5 minutes.
scratch that, I'd rather keep failing in math then to live a life without religion.
Despite all the negetive stuff about it [read: wars] its a way of life for me.
it makes sense to me in ways I could never even begin to explain him.
So now hes def not my biggest fan, and he probably thinks I'm even dumber than he thought, cuz honestly, he passivly insulted me in so many ways, and if I wouldve belive in what he lectures he'd ended up leaving me like an unsolved puzzle with missing pieces.
I'm not here to intreduce Judaism to the world. I'm Jewish, not orthodox, but something in between, I'm good with my 'ignorance' and it may be a symptom for people who belive in religion, but I dont think its a bad symptom.

I thought he was a cool guy till he said some things.
yep, i was insulted, insulted that he thinks so little of me, he was too harsh, but knowing him- he couldve been much worse.
I wont look for an excuse for his words, cuz obviously, it bothers him that im like that, idk why, nor do i even care. there r things he shouldnt have said.
the damage is done, you can never take back words and I'm absolutly sure hes not gonna regret and take back not even one word. K, thats not true, maybe hes gonna take back the 'good night' part.

Whats wrong with people? can't acceptance be easier?
it doesnt matter anyway, my memory is so short I'm gonna forget most of it by tomorrow night.


'Night!

oh, and whats the deal about Valentine's day anyway?
I'm just happy theres chocolates in every goddamn place, but I honestly dont get why people dont just tell their love ones "i love you". Do people really need a day in the year to scream their love for each other? why not every day?
I'd just be grateful for a guy who loves me then a guy who needs Valentine's day to buy me stuff.